Content Warning

Greetings and Salutations.
Because my stories have bite, they can contain content that isn't suitable for work or children. Not a lot of truly graphic sex or violence, but there are some questionable or heated posts. F-bombs are not uncommon, so watch your footing.

Monday, April 2, 2012

B is for Beginner's Guide to Blood Roses

The Blut Rose Garten would like to show you the stunning world of blood roses. You're in for quite a treat as your baby bush grows into a thriving carnivore. No afternoon on the verandah is complete without chiming roses and wailing victims.

Everyone is always excited when they can finally get a blood rose, and why shouldn't they be? Not only are they attractive additions to the home garden, they double as watch dogs, and they certainly keep those pesky kids off the lawn.

But they aren't all fun and games. Here are a few things to keep in mind before planting one of our lovely babies.

Space - Blood roses flourish under the harshest conditions, ideal for desert dwellers. That ability to grow everywhere sometimes means they go everywhere. Make sure your new bush has at least an acre of land to roam. Stagnant blood roses are wicked blood roses.

Feeding - While any old hemoglobin can sustain a blood rose, they have a marked love for human blood. Looks like we're not top of the food chain anymore! A pint a month is really such a tiny amount to keep a voracious grower pleased. Smart owners know to keep their garden loyal by offering their own juices.

Prey - Nothing delights blood roses more than something soft and living. Mice, birds, the Little League team, whichever you choose, you should always let the bush hunt. It keeps them healthy and spry, and encourages rampant growth.

Blut Rose Garten thinks you're making a great investment. Many of our happiest customers say they hardly feel the bites anymore, and they don't know what they'll do with their blood roses now.

Don't just take our word for it. Get one now, and see how quickly you get attacked.

Warning: Do not plant blood roses near small children or animals. Do no let hemophiliacs, pregnant women, or environmentalists near blood roses. Do not invest in blood roses if you do not have a will and testament created. Do not buy blood roses.