"Everyone thinks I'm just a taxi driver." He
glared at the couple tied to the dining chairs. "But I hear everything. I
make a list. I punish the transgressors."
They screamed through their gags.
"Parlee vooo francy?"
"Um, I think you mean parlais vous francais."
"Did you just assume my language?"
"....what?..."
"You think you know what I'm trying to say, and
just correct it with your lingual privilege."
"AAAAAANNDD I'm out."
This bone is my greatest treasure! No one may touch it.
It is tasty, and wonderful, and it is all mine. Woe to those who try and claim
it for themselves. They will awaken the savage beast if they lay a single
finger upon it.
Unless they want to rub my tummy.
Nibiru finally matched its orbit with Earth. Humans
stared and gawked, beliefs shattered.
Nibiruans descended to the blue planet and looked
askance at each other. "Enki and Elil were clearly too irresponsible to
leave here alone."
"I'm going to start a new commune retreat, call it Loveland."
"Only those hippie types allowed?"
"Something like that."
"You don't like handing out with them. Why would
you do that?"
"Because they taste pretty good when turned into
jerky."
Sean considered himself lucky to be a milkman. He brought
moments of delicious joy to homes, met lovely families, and got to touch happy
pets.
And sometimes the fae took a little cream home for his
wife and faelings.
"Isn't it a little rough, not having a basement?"
"Not particularly."
"But, ya know, with the experiments and everything,
I just thought..."
"The attic works just as well. And the stench can
go right outside instead of into the parlor."
Missy's Guide to Practical Necromancy had a guest post.
Maman Brigitte spent most of her post hocking her wares, but did make one good
point. "Clothing pegs and wooden pins make excellent voodoo dolls. Toss
them right on the fire, and no one will ever find them."
"All right, Pen, you owe me a
thousand words by the end of the hour."
"..."
"I mean it. Need another story ready for next
week's blog."
"..."
"Get up, do your job."
"..."
"Don't give me that look. I know I'M the writer, but
why can't you help a little?"
"Caves are like a cavity to
Mother Nature."
"Not exactly."
"Yeah huh. And volcanoes are her really bad zits.
Forests are body hair."
"Earthquakes are just her gas cramps? Humans are
her lice?"
"Eww. Don't be gross."
"Why aren't you at the potluck?"
"Because I'm diabetic."
"And that's stopping you why?"
"Lessee, you brought Cheezits.
Maggie brought cupcakes. John didn't bring anything processed, just a fruit
plate."
"I still don't understand."
"...Can't. Have. Carbs."
I lit the first candle, the flame lighting up my heart.
Yes, the ritual would take all week,
but it would be worth it.
All the best things in life take time, and vengeance is
no different.
"Haw!"
"Did..your dog just turn left?"
"Sure did. Gee!"
"And now he's right?"
"Yeah. That's the point of voice commands."
"But, why those words?"
"You hear a lot of people using them these days?
This way, he'll know it's me telling him what to do."
After he died, they suggested I go to therapy.
Lay on some couch and tell some stranger all about my feelings.
That wasn't me, though. Wasn't how I was raised. Better
to take life by the horns, get right back on the horse.
A little revenge never hurt, either.
"The eve
is upon you. The last crows have cawed, the first stars are out, but night
creatures have not awakened. A foul stench is carried by the constant breeze,
setting the undergrowth to rustling. What do you do?"
"Roll Perception and check for an ambush."
"Have you seen all the waste and pollution from plastic?"
"Downright shame. Too bad humans were taught to be
that way."
"I mean, I guess. But how else were we rats going
to rise to supremacy?"
"True. And their corpses are tasty to nibble
on."
Thunder cracked overhead, followed by long rumbles. I
breathed deep the scent of rain and ozone. Power
built to overwhelming levels, threatening to choke me, dimming my vision.
Lightning struck, cracked the dome, and I was free. They
would rue imprisoning me.
"Bullshit.
Bullshit you. Bullshit off."
"Pardon?"
"You motherbullshitter. You bullshitting piece of
bullshit."
"I see what you're trying to do. It really won't
work."
"Can you blame a girl? Fuck gets all the attention.
It's bullshit's turn."
The corgi cowered back from the kitten. Not a pose of
fear, though, just respect. Thirty pounds of strength and joy and boundless
energy knew exactly who was boss
around here.
Didn't stop the pleading looks asking me to make her
stop eating his food.
My mentor warned me that remembering
was the worst part of the assassination world. All those eyes dimming, closing
for the last time. The pleas and screams and sobs. The weight of another's soul
leaving their body.
I've always found it to be my favorite part.
"What's on your wishlist?"
"I dunno. Some stuff."
"You really should have more. I mean, it's the
biggest webstore
in the world."
"Does it sell juvenile crows feeding in my
backyard?"
"..."
"I'll stick with this, you can crave the
material."
"Truth
is subjective."
"That's a bold statement."
"But is not our view of the world shaped by our
perceptions, understanding, upbringing? Society is created out of a collective
agreement on what is true, not out of something objective."
"DMT again?"
"Tell me something weird and random about
yourself."
"You remember that show Double Dare?"
"Of course. With all the slime, and physical
challenges, and that messy obstacle course."
"I used to watch it to answer the questions. It was
like Jeopardy for kids."
